Thursday, October 25, 2007

I was walking the line

They say there is a fine line between Genius and Insanity. A year ago, I put myself on the Genius side, with my toes so precariously close to the edge that even a slight breeze would push me over to Insanity.

The breeze came. I don't know when, but when I look around, I can no longer see the line. I look in the mirror and I don't know the face staring back at me. I am surprised that men in white coats have not come for me yet. I think I would be better off being locked up somewhere. I think... ah, ah that's what has contributed to my downfall; Thinking. I was thinking too much, so much that I needed to turn off the thinking. Thinking just makes things worse, as I push everything through the Analyzer, and as it is pumped out the other end, I pick it up and push force it through the analyzer again because I have to look at everything from all angles because I don't want to be accused of not thinking things through properly. I don't want to be accused of not making the right decision. Machines break. I broke. The Analyzer can only take so much before it overheats and breaks down. That's what happened to this machine. Refusing to let anything in, avoidance was a relief. Ignorance is Bliss!!

I became apathetic and detached. Not thinking, I have made some decisions under duress that have not been my best options, but it was all that I was capable of doing at the time.

Basking in the blissful guise of ignorance, I found myself lacking purpose and personality and the shame of the shallow shell of my former self, detachment was the next best course of action. Vanity is my middle name, and I would not want to expose a less-than-perfect me to the world. So I pulled away.

Sensing something is not quite right, the thought machine starts to turn on but the responses that come out the other end, and my reaction to them, are irrational. I don't have the time in my life to heal. I am distraught by my mental state and my inability to survive in my reality, I feel myself sinking. Sinking into nothingness. Sinking into a deep abyss. Ah, an abyss is something, so technically I cannot say that I am sinking into nothingness, because something is not nothing. Thinking drives me crazy. I want to welcome the cold. I want to forget. Avoidance, wonderful tool ! If you don't think about it, then how can it possibly exists? Out of sight, out of mind.... ahhhh, bliss!

I wish I had the capacity to feel, to deal with my emotions, to deal with my Real World. This evening I spent three hour lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and sobbing to the point of not being able to breath. It was uncontrollable, and I accomplished nothing. It was a new thing. Two days ago I found myself screaming while alone in the car.

Dumb girl, blank stare routine (because sometimes it's just easier that way)... I wonder if straight jackets come in PINK....

If you've made it this far down the page:

I've stopped (or started) long enough to catch a thought in my head. The thing that sent me into my state of despair was that I have to decide tonight which photo package of Miranda's school picture to mark on the order form, due back tomorrow. And the thought of having to make another decision on my own is already starting to send me into another state of panic. The cycle starts again.

o/~ I'm a machine, I'm a machine but I'm a funny colour, I'm a funny colour , I'm a machine, I'm a machine but I'm a funny colour, I'm a funny colour , I'm a machine but I'm a funny colour o/~

1 comment:

eelke said...

my analysis: you would be much happier if you were just dumber but you are not. You're a smart cookie. And you are a helluva writer:

"Basking in the blissful guise of ignorance, I found myself lacking purpose and personality and the shame of the shallow shell of my former self, detachment was the next best course of action."

man this is poetry. Have you never considered writing a book?

no matter how depressed or sad or angry I feel the do's and don't of www.viceland.com always cheer me up! or jeff buckley